Legality of Mail-Order Urine

We established our company as an LLC in 2005 due to a variety of unexpected problems that arose from our regular business practices as they relate to urine. We ran our sales entirely through magazines and independent newspapers for years, but constantly saw our ad payments withheld while our ads were not run due to reader complaints. Our service is nothing new, but it is unique, and you can spot our difference a New York mile away, so we hired a buddy of ours in IT to build us a web site and he set this up. Already it’s going pretty gangbusters, but only because what we offer is so fully guaranteed, perfectly up to par, and otherwise flawless in every commercial regard (we do have returns from time to time, and though we are certain our product is perfect, we always honor them, for what it’s worth.) Also, it’s important to point out that our samples are for entertainment purposes only.

Right

We’d like to pretend we know the first thing about what is right from that which is wrong, no matter how make-believe such an abstract set of ideas might be in practive, but we say (with hesitation) that there is no way we can actually “know” whether or not what we’re putting out there is right or wrong. We do know a few things though: we know that your right to your own urine is sanctified. We also know that your inalienable right to substituting the pee provided by others is a decision only you can make. If providing the pee from another is wrong, then we don’t know what right is, and we don’t want to be right. We also know that selling urine for entertainment purposes only is right.

Wrong

We’ve been criticized by employers, domineering husbands and a significant number of Intervention Technicians, all of whom expressed assorted sorts of hate towards us. The Intervention guys are the worst, because they don’t “get” what we do, even though they charge a good $50,000 for what they do, and they don’t even make like they appreciate or understand what we’re trying to do for our clients at a fraction of the price. These guys charge a full-year’s income for talking soft for an hour, and they still feel inclined to be dickish when it comes to charging their rates without jumping through the hoops that equal “working with us”.

The truth is that we may be “wrong” in what we do, maybe because we made a druggy test clean, or a pregnant woman test not-pregnant-but-drug-addicted, or perhaps because we made you look like you’re a non-pregnant, non-heroin-addict with male hormones, while still testing negative for crystal meth, even if each of the opposites from each category may be the truth. We aren’t wrong, and what we sell is plainly labeled “for entertainment purposes only,” so bear these factors in mind. It’s like we give the ROTC fake rifles to throw over their shoulders at half time. Not quite the same thing, but the concept is similar, if you catch the meaning of our color guard… our color guard is a pale, watery yellow, and that’s that.

Confusion

It’s easy to imagine the “wrongs” one might do by using our products, if you don’t consider all the facts and factors. It’s confusing, we know, so these are just a few of the thoughts to consider before buying our products, using the (for entertainment purposes only) or when you go to think about whether or not your new, prospective employee has been buying from us to beat your system. Many employers think “I don’t care what this new hire does, so long as they pass the drug screen,” but we say you should skip the drug screen and go on your gut instinct combined with a serious background check.

You might think they’re pretty great people you want to hire, so do the hiring. On the other hand, if you’re already sure you won’t hire them, skip the drug screen altogether and just tell them you aren’t interested. Don’t make them go through the whole process just so they can “prove you right”, even if you already knew you were…. What kind of dick are you that you’d do such a thing when you live in an Employment At-Will state and you can just say “yes” or “no” at your whim and whimsy without a cause? Why would you force would-be employees into such positions of necessary lies… and what the hell do you do when you have someone you can tell is a druggy, but you’re forced to hire them because the drug screen came back clean? Do you wait until that junky robs your clients? This is surely a recipe for madness!

Shipping

If you put down an address, and our SHOPPING CART verifies it, we have no reason but to believe that you placed this order, and that it’s legitimate. The only fraud-stop verification we have in place comes from our merchant account, and they will verify that your shipping address matches your billing address, but that is the end of it. Assuming your purchase account verification clears, we will ship the product that you (or someone with access to your account) ordered.

This does not mean that the purchaser from this billing/shipping address has ordered or utilized ANY of our products ever, nor does it mean that we can verify it to any 3rd party agency (such as an authorized employer, finance agency or federal Travel Security agency, regardless of signed, presumably un-read waivers signed by that possible purchaser.) We destroy identifying information from orders as soon as return-receipts are received, so any attempt to validate that your client, employee, prisoner or girlfriend has used our service will be entirely useless to you. Our apologies any inconvenience this may cause, but our commitment to the privacy of our clients remains our greatest asset in our corporate portfolio to date.

Fraud

We here at this site/company hold a zero-tolerance policy against fraud. It may sound crazy since all we do is sell packets of stale human piss so our clients can defraud others, but we don’t see it that way, as it financially suits us conveniently. As we see it, you are just some sort of overly involved prankster looking to lay the groundwork for an extremely elaborate hoax, such as one might have done in the blockbuster Hollywood film “The Game” starting that guy whose dad was famous before him, except for acting and not because of who his dad was. He had sex with that hot Welsh chick that looks Hispanic. No matter.

Any attempts to use a fraudulent credit card will not be permitted. With our pre-purchase validations, we are modestly confident we’re on reasonable grounds to assert its legitimacy, since we’ll lose our payments if it isn’t. If you try to state after-the-fact that we in some way assisted you in your unsuccessful attempts to commit some fraud, whether by the assertion that you are (or not) on drugs, that you are (or not) pregnant, or that you do (or do not) require professional intervention from a certified counselor authorized to treat drug addicts, pregnant women, or pathological (however committed) liars, we are to be held entirely outside of, and independent of, such proceedings in perpetuity. If that doesn’t make sense, please re-read it five-times fast aloud and that should help.

Indemnity

We’re indemnified against you, except that you buy from us, and that our urine is exactly what it says it is on the outside packaging.

Pregnancy

If you are claiming pregnancy, we have no liability as to the impregnated state of your uterus, even as it might pertain to members of our staff, even those who have met your girlfriend or her vaginal parts through our site because of your specific manly failures as it pertains to your him/you not living up to his/your vaginal needs, our staff stepping up to that same labial plate he/you stepped off of, and our administrative pitchers throwing the heat right down the middle of the plate, even unto strike-three impregnation of you/your girlfriend in ways you failed to do for whatever period of time you had to take the opportunity yourself. We make no apologies for the up-knocking we toss all up into your old lady’s vajay-jay jowels or roast beef curtains, for what sickeningly little they have been worth even unto the time of the deed being irrevocably done. We also make no other pregnancy warrants either way, but we still believe in them, whatever they might be or have been up to and including the time whereupon we did do the lady-interspooging.