Our Guarantee

We offer a quality guarantee on our products second to none in our admittedly narrow industry, but there are still some very real limitations to the warranty we are able to offer at this time. It is not unlimited, but limited by some serious aspects of common practicality. Condoms are, let’s be honest, 100% effective. It’s a rubber baggie around a chowder-spouting man shaft, so how could pregnancy ever apply, right? Still they say it’s merely 99.9% effective, when used properly. They say it fails one time in a thousand because there are millions of idiots who either use them incorrectly or not at all, who then father kids and try to sue the ass of Trojan… so we’ve got our limitations as well.

We know our product works, but we don’t say 99.9% effective, we say it’s 100% effective in some ways, and leave the rest up to you not using our product incorrectly, so here’s how our guarantee works:

Our guarantee covers the following:

• No chemicals, non-biotic materials or adulterants will ever be found in samples,
• Color and gravity will be visibly and verifiably compliant, and testing will concur,
• Our product will always be 100% free of bacterium and/or sediment,
• If our product develops a foul odor or the bag inflates prior to breaking the seal, login to your account and request a refund. As long as the bag shows no signs of tamper, we will replace your merchandise and cover all transitory shipping costs without hesitation.
• Whatever you purchase, if it fails any laboratory tests, you may submit test results for a full-refund (less shipping costs) within 90-days of initial purchase. Your pee samples will test correctly for positive or negative for the correct combination of drug and/or pregnancy, as you purchased it, guaranteed. Just provide the anonymous ID for refund along with test results, and you’ll get your money back, and that’s more than a guarantee, that’s Peesurance.

If the product you receive does not comply with any of these aforementioned guidelines, simply mail us your test results, photo or other evidence, along with your E-Receipt ID (or other verifiable information) and we will promptly and immediately refund the full purchase price of your transaction (less any shipping charges or taxes) without question, request for clarification or hesitation.

Our guarantee does not cover the following:

• Getting caught using it, since that is a matter of personal discretion and the exact sort of thing only you can prevent.
  Incorrect temperature reading on the sample. Our dry heat chemical packs have proved effective in every controlled test we have performed, as well as countless real-world environments, so it is our belief that if you fail a temperature test, it is because you did not activate the heat pouch with enough lead time and/or did not keep the sample pouch against your skin long enough prior to testing it (giving your sample).
• Spilling it on your pant leg. Because our sample pouches are tested under tremendous pressure for quality assurance purposes, and our patented nozzle technology has endured significant stresses in laboratory environments, we can not accept liability for on-clothing leakage of the sample during, after, or especially before administration.
• We also can not accept any liability for use of our product outside the realm of chemical testing. If the product is used for entertainment or recreational purposes, whatever those may be, you assume all liability, and may God have mercy on your unrepentant soul.
• Use of our product for purposes other than those intended. If you use our product as an aphrodisiac or garnish, we can not be held liable for the resulting outcome, however sickly, sultry, spectacular or unpredictably unexpected it may be, even if quite wonderful to you and your partner(s).
• Physical damage or abuse exerted against the specimen, container or any of our packaging.
• Accidental ingestion.
• Intentional misuse, such as using it to spray passers by in a YouTube oriented prank.

If specimen comes in contact with eyes, flush with water immediately, and contact poison control centers for further advice. If specimen is accidentally ingested, do not attempt to induce vomiting, but contact poison control immediately for further advice. If specimen is ingested intentionally, you may wish to contact poison control, or just ride it out, because come on man, that was totally your thing.

If you have a legitimate complaint, please use our contact page and tell us with extreme detail the exact and complete nature of your dissatisfaction, and provide your name and secure ID number, and approximate date of purchase, along with any photographs that may help us understand your complaint.

When we come in each morning, the first thing we do is address complaints, and we won’t engage any new business until every last one of these old businesses is reasonably resolved.