Questions About Purchased Pee

Q – What flavors are available?

A – We get this question a lot, and we have only a limited variety of flavors to choose from; male/female, pregnant/non-pregnant, and assorted drugged. They aren’t literally flavors, of course, it’s just a figure of speech, but we have these assorted offerings available.

Q – How long do clean urine samples last, and how should they be stored?

A – Our samples are collected fresh and treated in such a way that they can dry store at room temperature for up to eighteen months. Our samples never need refrigeration. Keep away from direct sunlight. Once the seal is broken the specimen should be discarded within 24-hours.

Q – Doesn’t urine contain live bacteria?

A – Some of our competitors have suggested that urine is supposed to contain bacteria, but this is a lie. The presence of bacterium in urine is what causes such a short shelf life, and the lie stems from the fact that they use obviously unhygienic methods or unclean persons to catch their urine. Urine is supposed to be sterile and free of particulates, and our methods guarantee this purity.

Q – What if the tester wants to watch me pee?

A – Legally, they don’t have that right. If you demand under religious or personal grounds that no one should ever see you urinate, they are legally bound to honor that simple request. You may encounter a stubborn tester who suspects something is up, or just wants to glimpse an ounce of your engendered parts. The solution is easy, just say you can’t pee with someone watching you (nervous bladder) and wait there for as long as it takes for him/her to get the hint and leave you to your business. Eventually you’ll get your privacy, and you should be able to do it discretely with someone in the room, as long as they aren’t staring straight down the barrel of your man gun or lady ditch.

Q – What about products that promise to clean my own urine?

A – The method of altering or diluting your own urine used to be effective, but they simply don’t work anymore. Products that used to work include: eye drops, water, baking soda, bleach, iodine tincture, detergent, vinegar, nitrites (“Klear” and “Whizzies”), acid (”THC-FREE” and “Amber 13”), detergent (“Mary Jane Superclean 13”, “Purafyzit” and “Test Clean”), Invisible Kool-Aid, Glutaraldehyde (“Instant Clean ADD-It-ive”), oxidizing reagents (“Stealth”, “Clear Choice” and “Urine Luck”), mixed reagents (“Lucky Lab LL418”) and fishbowl water.

Most of these untested, potentially dangerous compounds, are unproven at best. The bigger problem is that, due to the increasing usage of these substances, government guidelines REQUIRE that all test specimens are checked for these chemicals and traces.

Don’t even think about using them if you want your test to come out right, since modern tests check for them, and we can’t imagine how you would pour chemicals like these into your urine with a testing agent standing three feet behind you, even if on the other side of a short divider.

Q – How long will the drug-amended urine sample keep its temperature?

A – Once you crack the dry-heat packet, you have between six and ten hours before it runs out of heat. If you keep the packet under your arm, as suggested in the instructions, the period may be extended to as long as 12 to 14 hours. Thorough, detailed instructions on proper usage and placement are included with all of our portable clean urine kits, and a second heat pack is on the flip side of the packet, should you require more heat.

Q – How will I know if the temperature of my pee bag is correct?

A – If you crack the heater kit, you can rest pretty comfortable that it’s right. If you then pack the bag against your natural, human skin (as instructed), you’re even more assured that it will fall in the correct temperature range. If you are still in doubt, just lift up your shirt and take a look at the bag and read the flexible liquid crystal thermometer stuck to the side of the reservoir. It will tell you with a green bar the exact temperature. As long as it’s between 94 and 99 degrees, you’re specimen will be as golden in practice as it is in color.

Q – What does a urinalysis drug screen test for?

A – Everything. The obvious answers include marijuana, cocaine, speed, heroine, ecstasy, Quaaludes, muscle relaxers, alcohol and every derivative of any of them. The answer you might not want to hear is that, with increasing commonality, the drug tests run a full spectrum gas chromatograph which looks for everything from AMT to DMT to foxy methoxy to Ambien to Prozac to salvia to valerian root. Our piss will test clean for everything you request, but if you ate a poppy muffin in the last four days, your own urine WILL NOT.

Q – Is urine a Biohazard material?

A – Only by some measures, and never in our case. Unless there is a bacterial infection or some amount of donor blood in the urine stream, there is no infection or illness that can stem from exposure to urine, and we test for those problems. Every batch of our urine is exhaustively tested to ensure that there is no genetic material from any species living in it. Further, we lightly irradiate it to kill off anything else left behind, much like they do with Meals Ready to Eat (MREs). You could use our urine to wash your wounds without risk of infection, but we still do not advise any such course of action.

Q – What’s wrong with buying less expensive animal urine?

A – Tests usually screens for lgG which is a normal unique component of human urine. Unlike Creatine, human lgG is exclusive to human body fluids and is not present in any other liquids including animal urine. If you try to pass off animal urine as human, you will almost surely fail your test, and may be guilty of fraud in ways that could have you arrested.

Q – How secure is my online purchase?

A –We use secure servers with a valid, verifiable security certificate for all of our online payment options. We will appear on your credit card statement as P. Assurance Medical Corp for billing purposes, and you will not find any reference to that company online, thus ensuring your privacy. If you would prefer to pay offline, you can mail certified payment (cashier’s check or money order) via ground mail. Please fabricate your own order form including your name, mailing address and order details to our physical address (only available by request via CONTACT page) along with your payment in the form of Money Order or Certified Check. If there is a specific return mail address or company name, please include that as well, and we will use it.

Q – Why would I want to purchase pregnant female urine?

A – The only reason you would ever want to buy pregnant woman urine is as a novelty! Technically, you could use it to trick your boyfriend into thinking you need to get married, your husband into thinking he can’t leave you, or your doctor into writing a letter telling your boyfriend to marry you or your husband to not leave you. Imagine your husband just left you and you need a really stellar reason to make him come home, and voila, you’ve got it. If you purchase our pregnant female urine, we guarantee you’ll turn any pregnancy stick blue, whether a home kit or one administered in a doctor’s office.

Q – I made a purchase but haven’t received my product?

A – You received a confirmation email when you placed your online order. All you need to do is login to the secure portion of our site using your username (your email address) and the password that was sent to you. Once in the secure area of the site you will have access to your tracking numbers and shipping information. If you still can’t find where your order has gone, please contact us using the Contact Us page (but allow 2-business days first). If it has been more than four business days since your order was placed, and you can not find relevant information on the UPS site with your tracking number, please contact us immediately to determine status. In some cases we will ship USPS, but that information should be included with your order..

Q – I need to get my sample very, very quickly. Can you help?

A – If it’s early in the day on a mid-week weekday, please select “overnight” shipping or “early AM delivery” shipping, and you’ll have your specimen by the next day, perhaps as early as 7:00am. If it is the weekend, or that delivery is still too slow for you to meet your deadline, we do offer “Next Flight Out” shipping. We charge a $200 premium in addition to the fees charged by UPS, which is likely going to cost about $300 just for shipping. You will receive your product within about 10 hours from the time you order it, regardless of the day, hour and time you order it. This may seem a bit expensive but consider that it’s still going to be under $600, and your next paycheck alone will be more than that. Unemployment, however, may cost you your home, your family and your freedom, and losing your man may cost a lifetime of regret.

Q – My shopping cart keeps defaulting to ZERO items.

A – We recently updated our shopping cart through our third party provider and we’ve had a number of problems with it, but it should be working now. If you still can’t get it to resolve to a number greater than zero, email us with the account information you have been provided and we will email you a hard (forced) login with the correct information for you to complete your transaction. Alternatively, you may wish to complete the transaction at $0.00 and manually override the shipping to the purchase price of your transaction. Since we only offer one product, we’ll do the math and understand what you are trying to purchase. Once you get a response from us, you’ll want to immediately change your password upon login for security reasons.

Q – What’s the best way to pass a pee test?

A – The easiest, cheapest way is to not have any chemicals in your system that would make you fail the test. If that isn’t an option, our cheat system of “Cliff’s Piss”, is the only method we can actually recommend. System flushes are unreliable and often detected. Adulterants you can add to your own urine are inconsistent and often lead to automatic disqualification. Bringing in your own private urine sample from someone you know may backfire because of cloudiness, discoloration or temperature problems, not to mention the very high likelihood that it is itself going to test positive for drugs. Buying from Peesurance.com is the only sure way to get a pee test with the results you truly want and deserve.

Q – Do you guys sell poo?

A – No we do not. We had a limited supply of research-grade human feces available for sale during the months of September through December, but we sold very little of it and the refrigerator used to keep it stable failed leading to an office experience of unbelievable unpleasantness. We held a meeting about it the following Monday when we decided we would not attempt to cultivate and distribute human stool turds moving forward. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you or your business, whatever it may be. We do not need to know what your business may be, but accept our apologies.

Q – I don’t like UPS, can you ship through the United States Postal Service?

A – The USPS does not allow for the shipment of biological materials across state lines. If we have it within the state, it will be used as our first choice. Even though our products are sterile and do not contain any potentially contagious or hazardous fluids, USPS has made it uncomfortably clear to us that they restrict the shipment of such items. At this time we use UPS exclusively, and we apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

Q – Is it true that more than 100 samples were shipped in 2007 representing a Blood Alcohol Content greater than .12?

A – We had a brief period of third-party contracting designed to lower consumer costs while shoring up our reimbursement of investor funding during 2007, but this led to a number of decisions so poor in execution we were able to regain control of the company without even having to go to court. We do not know with certainty how many “hobo samples” were sent out in 2007, but we do know the out-of-court settlement of the suit (which was never granted class action status, and no wrongdoing was ever admitted) may have included as many as 45 consumers fired from jobs due to results stemming from urinary samples provided during that time. Every person involved who filed a verifiable claim was compensated. Here at Peesurance.com we do everything we can to help people, whether they are the homeless who need five dollars, the claimants who need one-month’s salary consideration or the future, would-be claimants who just need a clear sack of real, human pee. This problem is in our rearview mirror, and testing measures are now in place to ensure it never happens again.

Q – Doesn’t pee smell really bad?

A – Typically it does, especially when left in the hot sun, but our process makes sure that specimen are gathered promptly, held for a testing period, then run through our rigorous, proprietary sterilization and authentication process. By the time you get your Peesurance.com human urine, you could pour it on your salad without much more than a mild gag reflex. Eat it down all gone and you won’t get sick, and that’s because we take the existing scientific methodology and apply every precaution available. The urine you purchase from us will not “smell bad” or “go sour” until at least 12-18 hours after you break the seal on your body pack, and 18-months after purchase if the seal is maintained. For liability reasons, however, we DO NOT recommend you put it on your salad or any other consumable products.

Q – How much urine is it safe to drink in a single session?

A – We do not have access to this information, and our urine is not intended for such purposes at all, but the general rule of thumb is .7 liters per 100 pounds of body weight. If you weigh 100 pounds, you should not drink more than 700 milliliters during a five-hour period. If you weigh 150 pounds, you should not drink more than 1,050 milliliters during a five-hour period. Drinking of urinary products from Peesurance.com voids any and all warranties, implied or express, written, verbal or of the imaginary sort told to you by the same little gnomes that said it was a good idea to drink human pee you bought off the internet.

Q – What about hair tests?

A – If you are so deeply entrenched into your lifestyle that you can’t bring yourself to get off drugs long enough to grow a half an inch of hair, it may be time to shave your head. Sheer it bald and claim it’s a style choice, religious belief or the result of illness. It doesn’t matter what reason you give, they have to accept it, so long as you throw down the smokescreen with a fairly straight face. From there they only have one choice, and that’s urine… and if you want to know how much urine we have, let me tell you, we’ve got gallons and gallons of it, all just waiting for your order.

Q – Do your test samples pass EMIT and GC/MS standards?

A – I don’t know what those are, but yes. Our samples pass everything. They pass large trucks on the right, they pass stones of bladder and kidney, and they pass out, but they never pass judgment.

Q – I suspect my employee used your product to falsify a report, will you help me?

A – It’s insane and inane, but this question comes up at least a few twice a week. The short answer is “no,” the long answer is “hell no, go to hell” and if you want a longer answer than that, the answer is “hell no, you guys can shove your nonsensical question up your fishing expeditiary behinds.” If you don’t already have the evidence you need to terminate an employee, regardless of drug use, I can’t believe you have ANY reason to let him/her go except for your own personal bias. If you’re so damn eager to lay down a firing, do it without basis (at-will employment, hello!) and pay for the unemployment. You’ll get no help from us.

Q – Can’t I just use pee from my girlfriend, wife, sister, mother, brother, cousin, or some combination of the above?

A – This is a free world we live in, and yes, you technically have the freedom to do anything you like at any time, even with people’s pee, no matter how poorly conceived the idea may actually be in practice. If you are going to use urine from a person close to you, I’d first ask if you can really trust this person, Your mother may love you dearly, but is she on any medication that may disqualify you, even something like post-menopausal hormone supplements? How would your employer feel if you tested negative for methamphetamines, but tested positive for Estrogen? You might be mistaken for a person attempting to mask steroids. What if you were found to be taking medication for osteoporosis? Even if you can genuinely get a clean specimen, how much will you pay to purchase a carrier vessel to bring it in to the test site? Without a heat pack and a concealed method for bringing it in, you’re more likely to get caught with it on your person, it testing at the wrong temperature, or heaven forbid it testing for the wrong gender. Our pee can safely stow in the trunk of your car for months on end, removing the stress of uncertainty once and for all. The same is not true for pee you stole from your uncle’s bed pan.

Q – Can’t I just pee in a pitcher when I’m sober and save it for later?

A – As a citizen of the United States of America you are free to do anything you like. You can relieve yourself in a pitcher, store it in your freezer, refrigerator or kitchen cupboards at room temperature for all we care. You can mix it in with your protein shake, throw a dash in your rum and coke, or put it by your bedside for a middle of the night pick-me-up. If you’re trying to pass a lab-administered urinalysis test, however, your own stale sample won’t work out. Without proper handling it will be cloudy, overwhelmed with bacteria, loaded with sediment and stanky in ways only a homeless person can truly appreciate. In short, you CAN pee in a cup at home and save it for when you really need it, but it will never help you pass a drug or any other test, even if it will win you accolades as the strangest sample brought in to the clinic since forever.

Q – Pee smells like old asparagus and wet dog, why would I keep it around on purpose?

A – Because you don’t think you can pass a urine test without some serious, concerted, outside help. Our bags are sealed so tight that even TSA sniffer hounds can’t detect them. Our methods are highly scientific and everything we do is sealed hermetically on the porch o Funk & Wagnall’s for at least a week to make certain your properly purchased pee bags smell nothing short of bland when you receive them. You don’t have to enjoy the stench of leftover human piss enroute to vinegar to benefit from our products, though it can sometimes help.

Q – What if my parents think I’m a tweeker, and I’m trying to say I’m pregnant?

A – Well right there you’re in our wheelhouse, because although we ship out literal gallons of clean, non-pregnant urine every week, we also sell any combination of drugged and/or pregnant urines as well, if not better. If you want to pretend you are chasing the dragon while pregnant, we have just the pee for you. If you’re trying to prove that you are on meth, which you may or may not be, while you are (or are not) pregnant, we have just the stream of yellow to prove your case beyond any reasonable shadow of doubt.

Q – Won’t people doubt my pregnant, drugged urine?

A – Our legacy of experience says that they absolutely will not. 99.9% of people who wish to fake their pee tests do so to prove that they ARE NOT on drugs. Once you tell your tester you are going to test positive, they usually leave you alone. You aren’t trying to pretend you are something more desirable than you are, but LESS desirable. Because of this downward-faking it is almost assured you’ll be left alone to spill your pocket-full of pre-purchased urine all over the test kit in complete privacy. If you want to make it more believable, spill some around the rim and apologize sheepishly for the mishap. It not only adds to credibility, but helps these pee-techs consider the pursuit of more honorable employment.

Q – Why would a clean, sober, non-pregnant woman want to buy urine saying otherwise?

A – Oh honey, you must be new here. The pregnant-when-you’re-not pee is one thing, because that business is easy enough to understand, but the more convoluted (and cloudy) urine designed to prove you are in fact on drugs (heroin, speed/meth, marijuana or cocaine/crack available) are perhaps understandably harder to fathom. Imagine you have rich parents, or generous grandparents, and that you can have a life of easy sailing for a year or more (more than enough, depending on the age of your confused and out-of-touch grandparents paying for it) it can make for easy living if you just sit around in a hospital pretending to ride out a gritty smack battle. You get pretty good food, extremely easy living, and unlimited access to the sexualities of those trying to trade addictions from drugs for those of things more permanent, such as your genitals. If it’s a road so easy, and all that stands in your way is some pee proving you’re a smack head, then jimmy up, rock it hard, and ride it out until the grands die off and leave you the money you need to sustain your life of laziness.

Q – How do you guys get pee that is pregnant AND positive for drugs?

A – While some of our industry-trailing competitors might soon offer a product like ours, we’ve seen their facilities and know the bladders they draw from, so we know their potential offerings and offerers, and we know with no doubt our products will be superior. While our competitors may offer drug-positive, pregnant urine by blending the two, we promise only to give you the real deal. Thanks to our network of more than 300 donors, some of them extremely desperate for donation funds for purposes only they can determine, we’re able to procure real, genuine urine samples from a variety of pregnant, drug-addled mothers. Thanks the total complacency of our medical system, drug addicted mothers are never remanded into custody, and simply can’t be asked to stop taking their drugs of choice. While we don’t endorse such behavior, we can perform valuable community outreach by paying these women to squirt out samples of urine by the gallon, and that’s just what we do… for you!

Q – Aren’t you guys basically supporting knocked-up drug addicts by buying their urine?

A – Yes we are! Other outreach programs might offer food, shelter or clothing, but what these poor sufferers really need is discretionary cash they can use for regular human purposes, much like you or I might want some “walking around money.” The most important element to human free will is choice, and by putting cash in hand for services rendered, we’re teaching professional skills while allowing them to provide a service the general public really wants, and isn’t that what America is really about when all is said and done?

Q – Is this some backhanded sort of social welfare?

A – Not at all. This is job training and a crash course in capitalism, at least in that most of the women providing the urine for us are really crashing and would do almost anything to make a quick buck. Many of these would women would, and usually do turn to prostitution to make their money, but we provide a slightly less degrading option for them to earn some much-needed spending money. Many of our clients use it to provide for their many children, we’re told, and others use it to pay for food and gas, both of which have been on the rise for years without the first sign of reprieve from the greedy powers-that-be in sight.

Q – Isn’t pee gross?

A – As I think it was old William Shakespeare once said, “One man pain is another man’s pleasurable fountain of perfectly golden freedom, baby, so shut up and drink it!” It might not have been the Bard, but the truth remains. What some may find good clean fun, the rest of us find a bit off-color, but rest assured our products are all-natural and 100% organic. We all do it, it’s just that some of us get paid to while others have to pay to get it.

Q – Can I buy a gross of samples and bathe in them?

A – Once you make your purchase, we don’t much care what you do, but anybody buying 144 samples is sure as hell about to do something gross with it. Get it; it’s a dozen-dozen joke? Evian water was never meant to be Sharon Stone’s bathwater, but that’s the purpose she best saw it fit for, so do what you like, demand what you must, and pay no attention to the fact she went bankrupt around the 14th minute of her fame, forever thereafter to languish in puddles of Baldwin expenditures.

Q – Can I use a turkey baster to reinstuffify the girl pee into my own wee-wee hole?

A – Um… yes, I guess so, technically. I mean, it doesn’t exactly defy physics, but this is really a very strange request set (we see in our inbox daily, strangely) for you to ask us. There’s no technical law against urinary reinsertion, nor can we find anything “kind of” illegal about it, but it is really, really strange, and it’s so disturbing we really can’t recommend it. Though if you do purchase a Gross of samples, you’ll have more than enough to discover the mechanics of it.